Piranhaconda Movie Review

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It is clear that this was 1 B-Movie that required a lot of tissues…not for drying your eyes in sadness or laughter (well…maybe laughter), but for the amount of bra stuffing that went on, unless there was also a lot of surgery.  Piranhaconda continues my watching of “Terribly Good” Syfy movies, and this time our focus is on a 100 foot long amphibious snake with a head like a Piranha terrorising a Hawaiian Island.

Our story focuses (primarily) on 5 groups…I think (and due to this movie’s body count, I use the word “groups” loosely…I also use the word “body” loosely as well).  A group of scientists led by “Mr Blonde” Michael Madsen (this movie’s top star, and no, stop laughing, yes Michael Madsen is playing a scientist, get over that…now…stop it!) enter into the Hawaiian Jungle in order to scout around and look for evidence of the giant snake…which they find in the form of a nest.  When he steals a piranhaconda egg for research purposes and his entire crew get wiped out by the creature, he is then kidnapped by a group of Terrorists (led by Michael Swan as Pike, who is clearly dying his hair, and his prostitute girlfriend Talia, played by Rod Stewart’s ex-wife, Rachel Hunter) who basically have nothing to do, because they just kidnap anybody they find and then try to demand money by displaying them with a newspaper and wearing halloween masks on a video recorder..seriously, where they are, how are they going to get a newspaper all the way out there on time?  Another group is trying to make a slasher movie…during broad daylight, in Hawaii, with the killer looking like a rag doll.  This group consists of Jack (played by Rib Hillis, a male model), Kimmy (played by Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey), Jack’s potential girlfriend Rose (Terri Ivens, who looks great for 45), a special effects guy that I don’t remember the name of, and their director Milo (played by….Chris De Christopher).  There are 2 other groups, including a skinny nerd who is a fan of Kimmy on vacation with his uninterested and shallow girlfriend Jamie (who looks like she works the night shift), and some other groups of people whose soul purpose was to test the CGI of the Piranhaconda…..Who are these people?  Who are their families?  What are their goals? dreams? aspirations? inspirations?  Who cares, they’re only there to feed the snake.

So what’s the story now that I’ve introduced our characters?  Stop the snake?  Escape the island?  give back the egg?  run away?  Yeah, it seems to tick all of the boxes.  The story itself isn’t as tight as Poseidon Rex (which wouldn’t be hard), but it is a funnier film and the characters are better.  I might even say it’s a better film.  Once again, it’s done badly on purpose with a 1 million dollar budget.  The Piranhaconda is better than the Poseidon Rex, but not by much.  It has better dialogue.  A better cast (maybe), and once again, it’s pretty stupid.

Would I recommend watching this film?…Sure, I guess.  It offers very little in terms of moral, drama, strategically written comedy, romance, story, character development, scares and even action…but at the same time, it’s not completely unenjoyable.  Much like the other films in the terribly good series, it offers quite a fresh monster to overcome.  The only problem is the execution of the writing, the delivery of the acting, and of course the presentation of the monster itself.  Can Michael Madsen sink any lower?  As someone who actually likes Madsen, I hope not…it might even be proof that Quentin Tarantino knows how to work with him better than anybody else.  The cinematography was okay..actually no it wasn’t up to much either, once again a bit Michael Bay in presentation, and this movie even has its own surfer-style theme song.  Which isn’t good, but at least it sticks in your head like blackened chewing gum on the soles of your shoes.

Overall Rating:  DUD (in other words 0 stars out of 5.  It has no qualities to give it even 1/4 of a star…and yet it’s not bad enough to receive negative stars either…I still hate Darren Aronofsky’s Noah…I actually enjoyed this more than Noah…think about that 1)

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